depression

hunger! didn’t eat enough at nz’s place just now, due to the fact that most of the food required alot of biting/chewing.. sighs. only ate like 2 plates of beehoon for dinner. pathetic. had planned to stay overnite at his place, since almost everyone’s doing so.. but sort of changed my mind and came home instead. for some odd reason, the usual depression came back again, and i thought it’ll be better if i left the place instead of moping around and spoiling everyone’s mood. taking tomorrow morning’s basketball session as an excuse, (“aiya.. if i stay overnight tomorrow i definitely won’t wakeup in time de la!”) i left nz’s place with assorted farewells from everyone. meng’s statement sort of hung in the air unanswered though; i didn’t feel like answering him at that point of time. yep, basketball wasn’t everything. but i simply didn’t want everyone to feel down just because i did. no sense in explaining anyway, i think they’ll understand.

thought alot during the trip on the bus. the more i hang out with my group, the more i begin to feel distanced from everyone. i can smile and laugh with them when we’re together, but it all seems so strained and forced to me. sharing their joy makes me feel for awhile; a few hours is all i can manage before depression sets in again. watching everyone else enjoying themselves, i sit quietly and seem to be excluded from the mood; i see but do not share. i begin to wonder at life; everything is but a transition, and fades away in time. will anything in my life be permanent at all? i’m just simply thankful that everyone treats me as being part of the group, regardless of whatever i am now.

of course, how do i expect people to share my thoughts if i don’t open myself up in the first place? ironic. surprisingly, it’s no longer just about cin. though she may’ve been a major contributor to my current mental state. as time passed, i slowly concluded that i wasn’t really mentally ready for a relationship anyway; perhaps it was right that it should end that way. i wasn’t sensitive enough, wasn’t understanding enough. maturity? not even close. perhaps what i needed was just a wakeup call to reality, so that i could shock myself into further growth. but what actually happened was merely myself closing up all mental doors to everyone else, shutting everyone off, not willing to ever open myself up to any possibility of pain again.

everything just seems so pointless nowadays; what am i working for? to survive perhaps. who am i living my life for? i can’t even begin to name a reason, let alone a person. sitting back on the bus with my eyes closed, tears slowly made their way down, my heart filled with pain. perhaps the term ‘xin suan’ would be a more appropriate fit to what i felt at that moment.

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dental pains and deep thoughts

*yawn* here i am, awake at 2++ am in the bloody morning pondering why my eyes are still wide open. could be due to the afternoon nap i suppose; the mornin dental appointment involved adjustment to the braces, and putting in the bands.. man. my teeth feel like they’re ready to drop off at the slightest notice sighs. pain! wasn’t even in the mood for basketball in the evening =( sadness.

starting to get bored of gunbound at this point of time.. reiterative cycle of kill the other team, earn money, buy equipment, and so on. *yawnz again* maybe i’ve been playing too much gunbound these few days.. lol. hit saturation point already? time to cut back a little!

not a very good night yet again; i’m in the reminiscient mood once more sighs. looked through a bit of the past pics, and i sort of went ‘hmmmm…’ and realised that we didn’t really take that many pictures together. laugh, and i still remember her saying something about not having much pictures of her past, and she wanted to take as many pictures as possible, to capture memories. ugh.. guess i’d better stop thinking, first stirrings of heart pain’s gonna start soon, and before i know it the tears’ll come again unbidden.

i guess my mood’s prob due to the fact that..
i. i’ve been overconscientiously doing my writing for the past few days. trying to recall too much of the past usually adds to the mood. 3 more months of events to cover! sigh work never seems to be complete.
ii. i just dreamt abt cin during my 5 hour nap in the noon just now; some impossible dream which i won’t bother to add details here. suffice it to say that it’ll never happen. and yeah, i hereby declare that i’ll convert to christianity and get baptized within a week if it all becomes reality though, lol. that’s a mark of how much confidence i possess in the keyword ‘impossible’ for this event.

from my point of view, religion provides a guidelines of ethics and a way to live your life better, as well as providing spiritual/mental guidance and support, which isn’t all that bad of course. BUT. i think i’ve mentioned this before.. i believe in myself. you can’t rely on miracles in reality; all you have is yourself. egocentrism @ work? shrug, maybe i’m a potential megalomaniac for all you know =)

supper and pre-work talk

=) just begun a new bad habit which i suspect’ll last into the years.. the nightly supper with stan lol. just experimented with eating roti prata again, took me nearly half an hour. think i’ll give it up as a bad job and not try again..:X milo’s fast becoming a favourite drink of mine now, what with breakfast not really a viable option. (bread sticks to the teeth too much) need *some* energy for the day after all.

sigh.. work begins on monday! arrgh. first i get stressed by unemployment, now i get sian of work even before it starts. humans, always looking for the greener side of the pasture. wonder how it’ll turn out tho, laugh. should be fun.. i hope =)

been playing basketball almost nonstop since sunday.. hmmm. went to kembangan cc yesterday to watch stan’s team in a friendly match against another team.. trashed by 30 odd points. oh well, not an entirely unforseen conclusion; unorganised offence/defense, no teamwork, poor stamina.. insufficient knowledge of game rules.. too many factors. then again, what position am i to criticize others? lol.

stan’s finally managed to get alsin to construction level 50 in renewal, and finish the advanced house. ’tis been a nonstop power-up ever since he took over =) 50 weaponry, 50 armory, 50 goods production, now 50 construction. *whistle* who would’ve ever imagined this? =)

ponder ponder.. what other interesting tidbit? maybe the one about the lock on the righteous one’s cupboard, but heck. none of my bloody business =) since everyone already thinks i’m the whodunnit, maybe i should’ve burnt the entire field pack + sbo to ashes before i left camp on saturday, lol. that way at least i would derive more satisfaction from being a baa baa black sheep 😛

yawn.. a little bit more of gunbound before i turn in for the night.

leisure and forgiveness

’tis been a long time since i’ve had the time to zzz until 1pm, woohoo.. happiness today =) acne disappeared, eyeshadows gone, look more like a resurrected zombie than a corpse now hahaha :X

played a bit of bball in the evening with junlin, after about maybe 100+ attempts (maybe more, lol) i finally managed to get 11 free throws in one shot. junlin got 29 -.-

hmm.. what else to talk about? writing blog entries make me feel like i’m preparing a sermon for whoever’s gonna read it; else it’s gonna be yet another boring record of the day’s activities haha.

hmm ok.. how about forgiveness? for starters, i think i’m basically quite an easygoing person, pretty fine with anything most of the time. i feel there’s not much point in quibbling over minor issues in life, much of life’s pretty give and take anyway. but. there’s a limit to things of course. people tend to take advantage of the situation, esp singaporeans, bastards as we tend to be on the whole. AND social etiquette normally requires you to be nice to people most of the time.. since if people help you in need, it’s a vice versa sorta thing isn’t it?

a pretty complex issue of course, and being an un-complex person, i sortof simplified my stand on it. i’m easygoing until a certain limit, going yessir and okie dokie most of the time, even when i don’t really feel like doing whatever thingy. BUT. when the line’s been crossed, goodbye to whoever the bugger is. no forgiveness/absolution whatsoever, and yeah f**k you till kingdom come.

yep bearing grudges are no good, but well, time doesn’t help to lessen the severity of anything you’ve done. hmm of course, unless you were involved in a major auto accident AND the brain of an baptized monkey was transplanted into your dumb cranium. maybe i’ll reconsider the issue =) was bastard = is still bastard. shrug, call me stubborn, set in my ways, unforgiving, idiot, whatever. i am what i am, and i don’t intend to change my ways ever again, never.

yawn, enough on this dumb topic. gym tomorrow morning again, guess i gotta turn in soon. good nitez!

recap mode, post-ORD

:O finally done with everything.. and sitting down ready to recap once again. sigh, am i tired or what?

yesterday was the final day of my national service, bwahaha. ORD lo! well.. ’tis actually today officially, but since i don’t go camp on sundays, i got to get my i/c back yesterday =) bwahaha i’m finally free of threats of signing extras, getting charged blahblah.. lol. this is it! no more waking up @ 545 a.m. to crawl to camp, no more wearing no.4, guard duties, lol. for a while at least, til my next ict. hope i get posted back to my unit.. siannnnn. i had the dubious pleasure of lugging my duffel bag (sbo, field pack etc) back home, taking the bus. couldn’t be bothered to spend money on a cab, you’ll find out why later.

barely reached home for an hour before i had to rush out again; in addition to meeting dennis to collect my cheque, i had to meet james, randy, erwin and qin for billiard, meet bri and del later in the evening for bowling, and rush to qin’s place at night to bunk over. :O funny thing about the kuay teow the uncle sells at the lv 1 paradiz centre coffeeshop; james, randy and i counted like 15-16 wantons in the soup (which i didn’t eat, courtesy of my damned braces). damn waste lol. james and randy had their fill of wantons though 😛 we were really laughing at the sheer amount of wantons in the bowl, i was using my chopsticks to grab ’em out in a seemingly endless manner. magic sia! 😛

one of those tiring days, played too much billiard (once at parklane, once at marina south) and bowled abit, before taking a cab to pasir ris, where meng, erwin, sharon were already playing mahjong @ qin’s place. i hadn’t planned on bunking over, but since sharon managed to get an extra pair of contacts cases it was all right. ended up drinking the night away.. lol. vodka n more vodka. i was pretty determined not to puke AND get a hangover, since i had bball the next morning.. and fortunately i didn’t. everyone were feeling pretty high, and finally concussed at around 4 a.m.. waking up at 7 a.m.

came back to tampines for basketball, heading home first before starting the session. initially it wasn’t too bad; i could get quite a lot of shots in, but after the 3 on 3 sessions my battery went flat, and i was pretty tired thru out.

gee wheez, never knew it could get that troublesome brushing the damned teeth. now i have to use the orthodontic toothbrush, gargle with listerine, use a syringe to remove any remaining food stuck in my wisdom tooth cavity, and check carefully for any visibly stuck food. -.- sadz.

braces suck

ugh.. feelin’ damn uncomfortable now -.- don’t really like to cuss here, but seriously.. fark those bloody braces! went cgh in the morning to put them on, and i can’t eat *anything* properly now.. sigh and i have to spend like 5-10 mins in the damn bathroom just brushing alone =( so damn uncomfortable.. keeps poking the inside of my lips, sians. so disgusted with it that i slept the afternoon away.

the thing’s halfway done only man, the worst is yet to be.. next week gonna be putting in the bands, and push push shove shove tighten.. happiness. i think i can spend the next weekend incapacitated in bed instead of going for gathering liao.. man.

at long last!

my last day of camp life, and i’m late for work lol. what a way to go. had a brief mental debate about taking a cab to camp.. and decided nah! not worth the money. cashflow beginning to run tight again, considering the fact that payday’s not gonna come on the next 10th.

did nothing of worth at camp again, other than trying to hide from everyone lol. began reading the bible ben bought for me yesterday, hmm $17. wonder if it’s worth it. wanted to try reading the king james’ ver, but ben said it’s quite a tough read, being cast in old language with all the theeing and thouing all around. so i ended up with the new international ver lol. some parts are really draggy man.. xx lived x years, had a son by x years, lived x years before he died. repeat and repeat until reader’s eyes begin to glaze over. dunno if everyone feels that way about genesis, but i know i do 😛 ah well, slowly read. imo, the belief is still sadly lacking in my psyche, but i think reading the book should help in deciding if religion is what i really need. if after repeated reads and talks.. and belief is still nil. hmm, at least there’s some positive principles of life that the book teaches.

sat down outside yishun kfc and talked quite a bit with randy today, until about 8pm, more of me listening than talking. smoke, talk, smoke, talk for almost 2 hours i think.. hmm damn long. continued talking on the bus back until he got off.
contents of the conversation should be inviolate as well, don’t think i’ll post it here; some things should remain unwritten.

sigh.. damn braces coming on tomorrow.. hello pain and discomfort, goodbye freedom of teeth =( sadz. wonder if i’ll really get a fever thru the pain like what bri said the other time.. lol. amazing what pain can do to you =)