hunger! didn’t eat enough at nz’s place just now, due to the fact that most of the food required alot of biting/chewing.. sighs. only ate like 2 plates of beehoon for dinner. pathetic. had planned to stay overnite at his place, since almost everyone’s doing so.. but sort of changed my mind and came home instead. for some odd reason, the usual depression came back again, and i thought it’ll be better if i left the place instead of moping around and spoiling everyone’s mood. taking tomorrow morning’s basketball session as an excuse, (“aiya.. if i stay overnight tomorrow i definitely won’t wakeup in time de la!”) i left nz’s place with assorted farewells from everyone. meng’s statement sort of hung in the air unanswered though; i didn’t feel like answering him at that point of time. yep, basketball wasn’t everything. but i simply didn’t want everyone to feel down just because i did. no sense in explaining anyway, i think they’ll understand.
thought alot during the trip on the bus. the more i hang out with my group, the more i begin to feel distanced from everyone. i can smile and laugh with them when we’re together, but it all seems so strained and forced to me. sharing their joy makes me feel for awhile; a few hours is all i can manage before depression sets in again. watching everyone else enjoying themselves, i sit quietly and seem to be excluded from the mood; i see but do not share. i begin to wonder at life; everything is but a transition, and fades away in time. will anything in my life be permanent at all? i’m just simply thankful that everyone treats me as being part of the group, regardless of whatever i am now.
of course, how do i expect people to share my thoughts if i don’t open myself up in the first place? ironic. surprisingly, it’s no longer just about cin. though she may’ve been a major contributor to my current mental state. as time passed, i slowly concluded that i wasn’t really mentally ready for a relationship anyway; perhaps it was right that it should end that way. i wasn’t sensitive enough, wasn’t understanding enough. maturity? not even close. perhaps what i needed was just a wakeup call to reality, so that i could shock myself into further growth. but what actually happened was merely myself closing up all mental doors to everyone else, shutting everyone off, not willing to ever open myself up to any possibility of pain again.
everything just seems so pointless nowadays; what am i working for? to survive perhaps. who am i living my life for? i can’t even begin to name a reason, let alone a person. sitting back on the bus with my eyes closed, tears slowly made their way down, my heart filled with pain. perhaps the term ‘xin suan’ would be a more appropriate fit to what i felt at that moment.