a post xmas post

wow, nearly 2 a.m. overslept in the evening just now, literally plonked onto the beddie after dinner and concussed my way until 11 p.m. -.- not a very productive way to spend my leisure time eh? guess i’ll try to sleep before 2:30 a.m.. got work tomorrow after all, even if it’s just a half day at TP. not sure what crap i’ll have to clear tomorrow afternoon though; guess i should be going home at around 4+ p.m. shrug, it’s not like i have anything better to do.. haha =) nolifer.

sorry for the lack of updates recently, for the faithful few who bother enough to come and visit this pitiful excuse of a blog =) like what i mentioned on my last entry, i haven’t been feeling up to blogging, and so simply decided to kick back and relax.

christmas: eve and actual
didn’t accomplish much on both days =) managed to catch the return of the king on xmas eve, and hibernated my way thru xmas day like a dead corpse :X like some people in my group, the usual festive cheer seemed to be missing this year; wonder where it escaped to.

in my personal viewpt, christmas has become but another mundane holiday, just a day of rest to me. the significance of christmas has somehow lost its special touch in my mind, laugh. guess this is what happens when one becomes too delusioned in life and simply finds no meaning in everything else; every single day is but a countdown to the next day, to the short and mindless escapism of sleep for awhile.. before the next day arrives and the entire cycle resets. in the long view, it’s like a timer to my expiry date. morbid, ain’t it? ugh. like what meng remarked when the rest were playing with the sparklers and laughing away outside tm.. “merry christmas; what’s so merry about christmas?” same thoughts here, bro.. same thoughts.

return of the king: a belated review
this ending chapter to the LOTR trilogy was still quite climatic, despite the fact that i’ve already read the book before =) some less essential parts were cut out to make the movie a more digestible whole i guess, but i kinda wonder how nice it would’ve been to see grima wormtongue kill saruman in the end :X the wild men and the red arrow were cut out also, with pippin doing a mountaineering expedition to light the signal fire instead. the importance of aragorn’s healing skills using atheleas to eowyn and merry were also downplayed, hais. it wasn’t mentioned how faramir got to be together with eowyn either. like i said, details not crucial to the plot were mostly left out. and of course overembellished love story betw aragorn and arwen climaxes and concludes here.. lol.

the superhero stunts by legolas aka orlando bloom.. yes go ahead n swoon ladies.. sigh in pleasure at his invulnerability and staggering good looks -.- man. what he performed during the battle @ gondor, especially the one where he singlehandedly took down an elephant (oppps.. oliphaunt) is really kinda unbelieveable, lol.

i was pretty tired and still dozed off at some quiet parts; but more or less managed to keep my eyes open thru most of the movie..:X the movie finally ended at around 4:30 a.m.. geez. was really irritated by some bloody farker who insisted on revealing what’s gonna happen next, and providing filler info thru out the movie.. felt like strangling the slob. it’s his mouth of course, and if he’d been whispering to his girl then it’s his own damned business i guess, but it’s realli kinda distracting and hard to concentrate on the movie when u keep hearing a prick giving a running commentary thru out. !@#@$@# idiot. the idea of stuffing my leg up his mouth did cross my mind several times tho..:X just kiddin’.

after i met cin on monday, the swirls of uncertainty in my mind intensified once again. i realised again howmuch i’d been missing her all the while, and it felt good to be able to hold her once again; but on the other hand.. i knew in my own heart that she wasn’t really for me. even if i managed to get back together with her again, i was quite sure that within a few months we’d be apart once more.

i love her still as much as i did before, maybe even more now. but during the past months, i’d come to realise.. and finally understand that love doesn’t mean that you have to possess the other. maybe my feelings for her have evolved. i’d tot alot on this, and i concluded that i couldn’t.. and wouldn’t be able to fit into her life entirely. she was like a free spirit, untamed and flying. being with me would only weigh her down, and shackle her. which was precisely why i didn’t ask her to give us a second try at being together again; i couldn’t bear to hear a no, and it would pain me even more if i heard a yes. i’d rather bite my lips and hold back in agony, than to face the decisions that my words would bring. cowardice? perhaps. but.. perhaps it’s all for the better that i remain single for now; at least until i feel that my redemption is done, and i do not feel as weighed down by guilt. everyone deserves a shot @ happiness of course, but no one should deserve one such as me. i hunger for love, but reject love.. what an irony.

sometimes the urge to volunteer simply comes over me, when things that are pretty undesirable need to be done. the inevitable question comes, “why me?” but of course, “why NOT me? i have nothing to lose.” i feel like i’ve been chained to an immense burden that i must carry ceaselessly, bowed down under the load, and crawl my way forward.. and continue to do so until i feel that i’ve finally done enough to cleanse my guilt. madness, madness.. i wonder how many friends’ll be surprised when they read my blog.. laugh. if not for the constant release of thoughts through my constant writing, i think i’ll really go mad with bottling up my thoughts. who’d understand the real me after all? indeed, who would bother? the unseen psyche, constantly writhing, tormented, agonized.. and most of all alone. sighs.

enough of this.

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