Basketball: Final pickup game in 2010 – add two servings of dipshit, stir well.

Time always seems to crawl in the months, but December is here yet again after all those days and weeks of drudgery. One of the best things that’s happened this year is the formation of a regular basketball group with weekly indoor sessions. We had our last indoor basketball session before Christmas, and it’s a quiet lull these couple of weeks while everyone goes on holiday.

So I finally got around to the court this afternoon to shoot some hoops, and man was I awful. I wasn’t exactly shooting airballs, but the ball just didn’t feel right. The shots would be short for the most part, or roll out. After about twenty minutes I finally figured the missing piece out: the damn follow-throw. My jumper became a bit smoother after I concentrated on flicking the release harder.

And as is the case on any casual court, people of varying ages, sizes and skill levels start appearing for a pickup game. The 4-on-4 game wasn’t exactly a blowout, but it was the next thing to that. I contributed a grand total of one basket to the score, and my role for the most part consisted of rebounding/setting picks/creating space within the court. And we still won comfortably.

So we are getting to the highlight of my day, which involved playing basketball on the same court with this arrogant dipshit Malaysian.

(Sidenote: no slurs intended, I’m just calling him a dipshit Malaysian because I don’t know his name, and he is a dipshit who speaks with a Malaysian accent. Perfect logic!)

I wasn’t assigned to defending him initially, but a couple of switches later I found myself on DipshitM’s back so whatever man. He seemed to think very highly of his game, and he was indeed pretty good with his set shots and turnaround low post bank shots against my teammates. But he seemed to find pleasure in posting up against me for some unfathomable reason; maybe I just look scrawny enough to be a real feast for DipshitM’s godlike prowess.

So there was this time when he found me guarding him, and he switched to post-up mode right away. So there he was standing at approximately the high post spot, turning his back on me and my usual style is to leave some distance for any funny tricks.

The next thing I knew, he was backing very hard with his elbows into thin air, staggering when he didn’t find physical contact (aka me). Suffice it to say that I wasn’t exactly overwhelmed with joy when I saw the elbows intended for my chest, but a game’s a game. You wanna get physical, we’ll do it your way. So I took contact the next time he tried bumping, start shoving and it ended up with him calling foul. Sure man, whatever rocks your boat. No foul outs on a pickup game, so we can go on like this forever if you want to.

And as it so happened, he had a teammate who was exactly of the same mould. Gets the ball, drives in (or should I say, takes big steps in) with his ball held right in front of him, flailing away with elbows before jumping straight up for the basket.

Given the following facts:

  • he wasn’t jumping very high to begin with.
  • his ball was within reachable distance of my leap.
  • he was laying the ball straight up, right before my eyes.

Would you:

  1. Stand there and watch him complete his magnificent layup of epic proportions, then applaud.
  2. Raise your hands and put up a token attempt at defending. It’s a pickup game, why so serious!
  3. Jump up, smash that ball and give that fellow a good old drubbing in the time-honoured Shaq rule of “no fcukin’ layups!”

What do you think I did?

I clobbered his shot of course. And this teammate being of the same style as DipshitM, screamed FOUL!!!! like it was bloody murder. There was one time when this fellow attempted a layup with me and my teammate both up in the air, and I smacked his shot (mainly ball, hand included). My teammate came down asking, “Did you touch him? I didn’t.” I merely chuckled. “Yeah. A big piece!” We would just shrug and laugh when he shouted for a foul, then get back to defending the same way. You want to bash your way into the paint with your fcukin’ elbows and go straight up for an easy shot, you gotta live with the consequences. No one’s gonna give you an easy shot, so STFU and take the contact like a man, finish the shot if you can.

It was a short but pretty enjoyable session, seeing as I had good teammates throughout the entire session. And I was wearing my glasses so I was being extremely cautious today, didn’t want to bust the bank for another pair right on the final days of 2010. Even with DipshitM, I was playing it pretty cool, just doing enough not to let him get what he wanted.

Remember kids: if you wanna be physical in a basketball game, man up and never whine like a bitch when someone starts shoving back, because you started it.

Basketball: What happens when you play with dipshits?

You get injured of course.

  • There’s Dipshit specimen A, who’s intentionally being physical and playing to injure.
  • And there’s Dipshit speciment B, who’s merely a beginner and doesn’t know body control, so he injures people by accident.

So there I was balling in the afternoon at Carlton Gardens when this fellow decided to go for a layup with his right hand, and I jumped in with both hands up.

Less than half a second later, I heard a sickening crunch, and there was PAIN. Yelled “FUCK!” and landed, eyes closed and both hands already to my nose. I could already feel something dripping, and it sure as hell wasn’t mucus or sweat. The abrupt silence made the extent of that collision just that little bit more obvious. I could already hear a lot of dudes asking if I was all right. Yes fellow clones of Captain Obvious, all that red stuff dripping on the floor? It’s just ketchup, no worries man. What the fuck do you think? I just got hit by someone in a mid-air collision, my nose is dripping blood and you ask if I’m all right? OF COURSE I’M NOT ALL RIGHT.

At that point, I was certain my nose was broken. Randy came by and helped me over to the water cooler. He was saying, go wash your nose. Then your hands. You might want to wash your elbow too. Yes, I was dripping that much blood; pretty sure my hands, face and elbows were all bloody at that time. He made a quick examination and pronounced the injury as a deep cut on the nose bridge, thankfully not from the nostrils. I had thought the bleeding was coming internally at first, no broken nose whew. Thanks to the dude (Roy) who offered a ride to the hospital, gesture appreciated.

Direct pressure stopped the bleeding fortunately, which saved a trip to the hospital for stitches. The dude who caused the injury (classified as Dipshit specimen B) came over and mumbled an apology. I wasn’t in the mood to entertain him until bleeding stopped; told him to forget it afterwards.

According to Randy (who saw the entire incident), Dipshit B basically went up, and swiped his entire arm down my face. His fingernail probably caused the gash, but I was quite sure the crunch I heard was the sound of his elbow/forearm hitting my nose before the fingernail did. Honestly, why the fuck is your left arm coming down on my face when you’re laying the ball in with your right hand?

I honestly hate idiots who think smacking my face is going to contribute in me not blocking their shot/me getting the ball in. If you wanna do it right, have a go at my hands; my face isn’t gonna block your damn shot, neither am I shooting the ball with my face.

Dipshit B’s teammates explained afterwards:

  • Dipshit B’s action was a natural reflex; he lowered his left hand as soon as his ball was poked away (by me). Brilliant logic Sherlock! So Dipshit B was “lowering his hand” with all that strength and he wasn’t intending to push me away, he was just “lowering it”? And I had both hands straight up, how the hell was I supposed to poke at his ball? Natural reflex? I’ll show you what my natural reflex is the next time I see you on the court.
  • I was help defense, so Dipshit B was swiping me in an attempt to get the main defender away. Dude, I was the main defender – get your facts right.

I’m not entirely sure my nose isn’t broken, but there’s no bleeding from the nostrils, the bridge doesn’t seem crooked/out of shape, and I’ve only got slight swelling on the sides of the nose. We’ll see what happens over the next couple of days.

Moral of the story – safety first, be more careful when playing with dipshits. Aggressive defense is great, but health is #1.